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Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part II Mercifully Ends A Lucrative, Awful Series

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn - Part 2
Directed by Bill Condon
Written by Melissa Rosenberg from the novel by Stephenie Meyer
Summit, 2012

Here it is: part 2 of the final chapter of the Twilight series.  One of the most unnecessary splits of a movie in history until The Hobbit arrives in three parts, you can’t blame Summit for wanting to milk this thing for all its worth (they’ll be doing it with The Hunger Games with Mockingjay down the road).  But as has been stated: this is the gals’ Star Wars.  The quality doesn’t matter.  It’s the thought that counts.

When putting the two parts together, you realize how much time was wasted during this whole affair.  Remember Breaking Dawn - Part 1?  That was a two-hour long movie about a young couple that goes on their honeymoon and forgets all about family planning, and the pregnancy pisses everyone off, including werewolves, who somehow think that a vampire getting a human pregnant constitutes bodily harm and therefore a violation of the rules.  Because as we all know, vampire sperm is controlled by sonar and its mission is to fuck chicks up.  That story could have been told in oh, about fifteen minutes.

Now we’re taken to Part 2 and while many will proclaim this to be the best of the series, that’s sort of one of those, “In the land of the blind, the man with one eye is king,” type of deals.  Part 2 is mostly a waste as well, with a story that could easily be told in the length of an Aqua Teen Hunger Force episode: Bella (Kristen Stewart) is now a vampire due to all the healing tactics from the difficult birth, and her newfound powers have to be honed so she doesn’t get all bloodthirsty with humans, especially her new daughter.  Jacob (Taylor Lautner), has imprinted on the child.  Let’s let the Twilight Wiki explain this for a second:

It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves…. suddenly. It’s not the earth holding you here anymore, she does…. You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend. —Jacob Black explaining to Bella Swan about imprinting.

So imprinting is like eHarmony for werewolves.  But lest you think that Jacob is somehow romantically attached to the most underage girl in the history of jailbait, Jacob quickly tells the angry Bella, “It’s not what you think!”  I mean, yeah, they’re just talkin’.

The Volturi (led by the hilarious Michael Sheen), a coven of vampires that keeps vampire order across the land, catches wind of the new child Renesmee (played later by Mackenzie Foy) , who is growing exponentially and has the traits of an “immortal,” children who know not what they do and cause destruction everywhere they go.  The Volturi want to investigate whether this new child is dangerous or not, and kill the child and Bella and Edward (Robert Pattinson) for creating such an abomination should that be the conclusion.  Alice Cullen (Ashley Greene) has a vision of what might happen, and tells Bella and Edward that they need to find “witnesses” to proclaim that Mackenzie is indeed human and not immortal, she just has powers and stuff.  A simple touch is all the vamps need to know.  Alice and her man Jasper (Jackson Rathbone) mysteriously disappear after that.

Meanwhile, we are introduced to vampires who have some sort of secondary power, which I clearly missed (I didn’t see New Moon or Eclipse, is that where they introduced that?).  We have one that has voltage coming out of her hands (Casey LaBow) and a dude who can bring fire to his fingertips and move earth and water (Rami Malek), and this sort of becomes a consortium of superhero vampires, especially when Bella finds out she can “shield” people from harm.  The other vampires…are just vampires.

All of this is leading to a showdown between vampires & werewolves (it’s like the French and Indian war), pitting them all against the Volturi, and there’s a twist ending.  It’ll likely be very satisfying to Twilight fans, but I found the twist ending to be a bit of a cop-out and too much like another film franchise that I will not reveal.  But you’ll know when you see it.

So yes, this has some qualities that almost seem like a good movie at times, but it’s much too little, too late.  And let’s be clear: Part 2 is not a good movie at all.  But it’s not terrible.  That’s a victory for Twilight.


Comment from Jonathan
Time: November 19, 2012, 2:42 pm

With my wife’s love of the books (and films I guess) I have watched all of them and while none of them are very good, I am amazed at how many people act like these are the end of humanity as far as movies go. I don’t think any of them have even been close to being the worst film of any given year they were released, but still, that’s kind of faint praise.

I do not know for sure which other film franchise you were talking about, but I did find out that the battle at the end of the film (the best part of the movie) is not even in the book. Knowing this, I guess the twist would be pretty easy to figure out since it’s highly unlikely Stephanie Meyer would let that kind of carnage to happen to her characters.

Overall, the best of the bunch, and still not very good. But I would almost be willing to toke it up to mediocre. Whatever? Glad the series is over until they decide to make more or remake them that is.

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