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Clash of the Titans is Bad No Matter What Dimension You Watch It In

Clash of the Titans
Directed by Louis Leterrier
Written by Travis Beacham, Phil Hay, and Matt Manfredi from the 1981 screenplay by Beverley Cross
Warner Bros., 2010

Much has been made of Warner Bros. decision to make Clash of the Titans a 3D movie after the fact, a process that costs a few million dollars to complete, but may even add that many more millions to the final gross when all is said and done.  With the rise in ticket prices, especially for the 3D experience, throwing a few million at something may not be that big of a gamble, especially considering the grosses of Avatar and Alice in Wonderland, which were actually shot in 3D.

Retrofitting for 3D may get better in the future, but clearly the process in Clash of the Titans is a complete and utter failure.  Even at its most decent, the movie looks like it has been blown up and projected through a different lens, giving off a disorienting effect.  At its worst, the 2D and 3D clash with each other and cause a double-vision problem.  When the camera moves in one scene, a tree trunk appears to be adding bark to itself.

That said, Clash of the Titans isn’t a very good movie, anyway.  In this film, gods Zeus (Liam Neeson) and Hades (Ralph Fiennes) believe the mortals down below have begun to get a little too full of themselves, and tragedies must befall them to get them back in line.  Well, Hades has an alternate motive: he wants to get the hell out of the underworld, believing he was tricked by Zeus to be there, and knows that if Zeus finds a way to wipe out people, then Zeus won’t have anyone to pray to him anymore and will lose his power.  Anyway, the people who worship the gods need to sacrifice princess Andromeda (Alexa Davalos) within ten days so the gods don’t sic the Kraken on them.

Enter demigod Perseus (Avatar’s Sam Worthington), who is Zeus’ son from his affair with Perseus’ mom.  Like most demigods, he is confused about who he should fight for…nah, actually Perseus never seems to struggle with that at all, even though that would have added a tremendous element of drama and tension to the flick.  With the help of a band of brave fighters, including this guy named Draco (Casino Royale baddie Mads Mikkelsen), and protector/hottie Io (Quantum of Solace’s Gemma Arterton, completing some sort of pseudo Bond reunion) they hope to stop the sacrifice and/or potentially kill the huge, raging sea monster should he be released, which you know it does, because that might be the whole reason why you wanted to see this movie in the first place.

During the quest, Perseus and crew battle giant scorpions and Medusa, and of course that awesome Kraken, all of which turn out to be pretty anticlimactic.  And even though Clash of the Titans‘ run time is much less than any of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, a great deal of time is spent on walking, and while we might tolerate something like that in LOTR (many didn’t), you want to bitch-slap Clash of the Titans for it.

You see, in a movie called Clash of the Titans, that’s precisely what I’d like to see, all the time.  Like, people are at a campfire swapping jokes, and oh shit, Giant Bats.  Or the gods decide to inflict plagues and forces of nature.  Acid rain and boils and killing your first born would be commonplace.  Loud, profane blasphemy would be directed skyward while the hero holds the bleeding decapitated head of a horned mutant.  Lightning would randomly strike inessential characters.  Now that’s a clash of the Titans.

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