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Halloween II is More Awful Incredibly Awful Rob Zombie Awfulness

Halloween II
Written and directed by Rob Zombie
Dimension, 2009

So I called out Final Destination for some of its cheats, how about a movie that says that a great chunk of what happened in the first film, and what happens at the beginning of this film, didn’t even happen?  Yes, for no reason at all apparently, except to somehow get Malcolm McDowell back in the picture and to get Danielle Harris to appear in her fourth Halloween overall, many of the events of the “first” one didn’t happen.  It sort of blurs the line where that is, actually.  I was completely lost as to what happened and what didn’t.  All I know is that at least two characters who died are back now, with no explanation…but many people did die in the first one, because there are references to deaths that occurred via the hands of Michael Myers.

And taking a look at the website, apparently they don’t know what happened either, because they’re saying this movie takes place right where the first one left off, and that there’s an “unlikely hero” coming to save Haddonfield.  I missed the unlikely hero, too.  Now, lest you think I’m totally crazy here, Malcolm McDowell played Dr. Sam Loomis in the first one, and he had his skull crushed by Michael Myers.  Also, who could forget the naked Danielle Harris, playing Annie Brackett, getting slashed in the first one?  But this movie takes place “right where the first one left off,” yep…with two characters who died mysteriously alive.

So, forgetting these minor details, we have the story of Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton, reprising), who is having nightmares about Michael and is oddly connected to him in some way.   Laurie is now living with Sheriff Brackett (Brad Dourif) and the aforementioned Annie (Harris) who is alive, by the way.  She was dead, if you recall.  Michael (Tyler Mane) has escaped from the coroner’s truck to go on another killing spree and to find his sister, who we found out in the first one was Laurie.  Michael is apparently guided by the ghost of his mother (Sheri Moon Zombie) and the ghost of, I guess, his innocence in the form of the child he used to be (played by Chase Vanek).  And there’s something about a white horse…and power…or something.

Meanwhile Dr. Sam Loomis is trying to sell a book on Michael Myers and has become an unconscionable prick, which is exactly the spirit of the character if you recall all the other Halloweens.  Dirty, dirty Sam Loomis, always looking out for himself and the big bucks.  He’s here, riding around in limos and writing irresponsible books, not really aware or feeling any guilt that he might in some way be negligent in the Michael Myers case.

We all know how this goes…Myers finds Laurie after offing people she cares about.  The kills are never surprising, you can practically time your watch to them.  They are, for the most part, brutal, so if you enjoy watching Michael repeatedly stab someone who is already dead then you’ve got that going for you.  The question is, will Laurie succumb to the madness?

I’m sorry, guys, I just can’t get into this.  I feel envy for people who find Zombie’s vision unique and worthwhile, but I really don’t see it.

Follows: Halloween (2007)

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